Technology makes it possible to meet people from all over the world, and when it comes to dating, apps and websites certainly make it possible to cast a wider net. But if you meet someone online that you're interested in, should you start a long-distance relationship with someone you met online — especially when long-distance relationships are notoriously challenging in and of themselves?
The short answer is that it depends on your needs, limitations, and what it takes to feel fulfilled in a romantic relationship. 'Success' in a relationship is not necessarily defined by a particular duration of time or a particular end result (e.g., co-habitating, marriage),' Dr. Stefani Threadgill, a sexologist, PhD, LMFT, and founder of The Sex Therapy Institute explains. 'I define a successful relationship as one that creates pleasure and happiness for both people in the couple, for as long as the relationship lasts.'
That said, if you decide to give it a go, Dr. Sue Varma (@doctorsuevarma on social media), a couples and sex therapist and sex educator, says that the first step is to clarify your intentions. 'I'm big on people being clear and up-front about [their intensions], in their own mind and for the other,' she says, adding, 'If you are looking for a long-term, committed relationship, you may be willing to make the extra effort [of dating long-distance].'
But, does long distance dating even work? When I first launched Spiritual Singles back in the year 2000, I was convinced that long distance dating was a horrible idea. Everyone that I met that had tried it ended up with some kind of 'unhappy ending' story. However, almost 2 decades later, my attitude has shifted a complete 180 degrees! But travel flings aside, I suspect most people don't join dating apps intending to fall in love across continents, especially because it's so easy to filter matches by distance.
There are also some other questions to ask yourself as you go forward with a far-away romance. Ahead, some things to consider before taking that digital step.
What Do You Need From Relationships?
In any case, before falling for the romance, both parties should be aware of their emotional needs. (Need help de-mystifying? Take a quiz to discover your love languages). 'If you are someone who needs physical touch and/or quality time activities together to build a relationship and be happy with your level of connection, you'll be setting yourself up for more heartbreak and disappointment,' warns Jennifer Gunsaullus, PhD, sociologist & intimacy coach, and author of the forthcoming book From Madness to Mindfulness: Reinventing Sex for Women. But on the flip side, those who respond best to words of affirmation and gift giving/receiving may be perfectly content with virtual conversations and special surprises sent by mail. Further, 'People who already have very busy and full lives, and also people who are independent or content living alone (if they don't have a roommate), may appreciate the flexibility and lowered expectations of a long-distance relationship,' she says.
How Far & How Often Are You Willing To Travel?
Another aspect to consider is how far a distance you'd be willing to travel, and how often, in order to see your partner. For instance, would you be okay with making a four-hour drive to spend the weekend together, or flying halfway across the world two times a year? Or, would you consider a two-hour train ride a huge inconvenience, given your need to be with your beau? 'How much distance you're willing to deal with depends on how busy you already are, and how much physical touch matters and being able to do activities together,' says Dr. Gunsaullus. 'It also matters how much time and money you have to be able to travel and vice versa, because a long-distance relationship, where you're traveling quite a bit, means that your friends and work could be negatively impacted, as well as your wallet.' Of course, the commute may be more tolerable if one of you is willing to relocate, should things get serious.
Do You Trust This Person?
And last but certainly not least is the matter of trusting someone's authenticity when you haven't actually — you know — met. (After all, you've seen Catfish, right?).'While it's amazing to be able to meet people to potentially date from around the world, there are bigger issues to think about before diving into a long-distance relationship that doesn't begin by first spending time together in person,' Dr. Gunsaullus says. 'The fact that you've never spent actual time in the same physical space together has two primary concerns: First, the other person may not be who they present themselves to be online or from a distance, so they could be leading you on. Also, it's hard to assess sexual chemistry if you haven't spent time together.'
Red Flags
Dating Apps For Long Distance Relationships
Still, there are some red flags you can look out for through your correspondence. Dr. Varma says that flakiness, unreliability, canceling potential meet-ups, and telling stories that don't add up should raise your suspicious. And in general, she advises, you should always trust your gut. For example, 'if they are only interested in phone sex, sending sexually provocative images or messages early on, you will know their intentions, so don't be fooled,' she says. Also, Dr. Threadgill notes, it can be easy to experience a false sense of security after just a few days of continuous messaging — and that's not always a good thing. 'Faux intimacy can be a consequence of relationships initiated through apps/online dating or texting,' she explains. 'It is the sense one ‘knows' another person, yet in reality, they have never met; it is a hazard of dating in the digital age.'
But with all this in mind, the experts agree that starting a long-distance relationship with someone you met online isn't automatically a bad idea. In fact, it can be incredibly fulfilling for those who proceed with caution and are willing to make some sacrifices. Dr. Gunsaullus shares her final thoughts: 'If you have a connection with someone that feels particularly special, unique, and supportive in a way you haven't been able to find in your home area, then maybe you want to give it a shot.'
You're on your favorite online dating site and you come across a profile that really captures your attention. You have tons in common; sense the chemistry could be off the charts and feel guided to contact this person… but wait! They live in another country—a plane flight away! Do you go with your instinct, or do you decide that long distance dating isn't for you because it's too much of a hassel?
Let's dive in to this quandary. First off, what if this person is the absolutelove of your life? Are you willing to relocate for that kind of love? If not, check their profile to see if they are. Most singles ARE willing to relocate for love, so the odds are in your favor, even if you would like to stay put.
Ok, great, so at least one of you IS willing to relocate. But, does long distance dating even work? When I first launched Spiritual Singles back in the year 2000, I was convinced that long distance dating was a horrible idea. Everyone that I met that had tried it ended up with some kind of 'unhappy ending' story. However, almost 2 decades later, my attitude has shifted a complete 180 degrees! Why? Because over that 19-year period, www.SpiritualSingles.com has received countless testimonials about how long-distance dating has actually worked! Couples tell us how they originally didn't' live in the same city, state and oftentimes even country, but they felt they were destined to be together and how grateful they are that they met on Spiritual Singles! I love that!
Here are some smart, savvy tips to get you started, because, hey, what if the person you're going to spend the rest of your life with doesn't live near you? You still want to meet them, right?
Open your mind and heart to the possibility. Come to terms with the idea that your soulmate, twin flame, life partner, poopsie love face…may live somewhere else and that's perfectly okay! Surrendering to what's in your highest and best is a great first step. Trust that your future partner may be prepping themselves to meet you, and that anything is possible!
On your profile, when setting filters for who you are looking to meet when SEARCHING/BROWSING, select the important ones like their spiritual beliefs, whether they smoke, drink alcholol, are 420 friendly (or not) and if they want more/any kids...etc, but leave the LOCATION section OPEN. On Spiritual Singles you can designate where you are looking to meet someone in your 'Matchmaker Preferences' (for Matches) and on the 'Search' page. You may also SAVE specific searches (with specific search filters) and give them names. I recommend keeping your main search page OPEN in regard to location and then if you like, save some specific searches in different locations, including a general radius near your home-base location. If you travel to a specific location frequently, or even occassionally, you might want to save that location as well. You can save as many different sets of search filters as you like.
Make contact with those you feel a connection with no matter where they live. Say, you live in California and he or she lives in Australia, so what? Think of it like an experiment or an adventure. Relax and have some fun as you get to know them. Start with email conversations, but move to video chatting as soon as you are comfortable in doing so.
Video chat early on. As soon as you know the person is legitimate and you feel there could be something there, schedule a video date. Voice, eyes, laugh and mannerisms are all things you can't get from emails and not all from the phone, but you can from video chatting. It gives you the best sense of chemistry before meeting in person. Have some fun questions prepared to ask--keep it light and easy at first. Once you've had a few video dates, make sure to sit in silence and FEEL each other for at least a minute or so. This is a nice way to just 'be' with someone and feel his or her energy. Video dating is a great way to get to know someone without physical intimacy and is therefore conducive to developing a deeply connected friendship, which is a great place to start a relationship.
Zoom is a great video chatting platform to have your video dates on (it's free). Skype is also good, but as we learned from Wikileaks, Skype calls are transcribed and saved by the NSA, so just know that going in. I don't recommend getting too sexual while video chatting. Focus on friendship first, then move towards connecting on a deep, intimate level without being overtly sexual.
Arrange to meet in person once you both feel you're ready. Sometimes both people will travel and meet somewhere in the middle and spend a wonderful weekend together, and sometimes one person travels to the other's city/town. Do what works for you both, and again, relax and in-JOY the experience/adventure.
Take the pressure off. Think of it as meeting a good friend, not potentially the one you might spend the rest of your life with, unless that excites you and works for you. Plan some activities to do together so you can share some experiences and see how it goes. At first, it's easier if you are DOING something, rather than just sitting and talking. You might want to go for a hike and/or a picnic, a bike ride, wine tasting, shopping for dinner ingredients at your local farmer's market (then preparing dinner together) and/or take a class together (painting, cooking…). Be creative.
Stay in the flow and follow your inner guidance. Listen to your heart more than your head. In-JOY the other person as a soul in a body and see how you FEEL when you are with them. Let go of pre-conceived notions about how someone should look (how tall they should be, how thin/muscular…etc) and about storybook romances. Be genuine, real, authentic, honest and do your best to stay in your heart. Have fun and practice compassionate communication.
Let's dive in to this quandary. First off, what if this person is the absolutelove of your life? Are you willing to relocate for that kind of love? If not, check their profile to see if they are. Most singles ARE willing to relocate for love, so the odds are in your favor, even if you would like to stay put.
Ok, great, so at least one of you IS willing to relocate. But, does long distance dating even work? When I first launched Spiritual Singles back in the year 2000, I was convinced that long distance dating was a horrible idea. Everyone that I met that had tried it ended up with some kind of 'unhappy ending' story. However, almost 2 decades later, my attitude has shifted a complete 180 degrees! Why? Because over that 19-year period, www.SpiritualSingles.com has received countless testimonials about how long-distance dating has actually worked! Couples tell us how they originally didn't' live in the same city, state and oftentimes even country, but they felt they were destined to be together and how grateful they are that they met on Spiritual Singles! I love that!
Here are some smart, savvy tips to get you started, because, hey, what if the person you're going to spend the rest of your life with doesn't live near you? You still want to meet them, right?
Open your mind and heart to the possibility. Come to terms with the idea that your soulmate, twin flame, life partner, poopsie love face…may live somewhere else and that's perfectly okay! Surrendering to what's in your highest and best is a great first step. Trust that your future partner may be prepping themselves to meet you, and that anything is possible!
On your profile, when setting filters for who you are looking to meet when SEARCHING/BROWSING, select the important ones like their spiritual beliefs, whether they smoke, drink alcholol, are 420 friendly (or not) and if they want more/any kids...etc, but leave the LOCATION section OPEN. On Spiritual Singles you can designate where you are looking to meet someone in your 'Matchmaker Preferences' (for Matches) and on the 'Search' page. You may also SAVE specific searches (with specific search filters) and give them names. I recommend keeping your main search page OPEN in regard to location and then if you like, save some specific searches in different locations, including a general radius near your home-base location. If you travel to a specific location frequently, or even occassionally, you might want to save that location as well. You can save as many different sets of search filters as you like.
Make contact with those you feel a connection with no matter where they live. Say, you live in California and he or she lives in Australia, so what? Think of it like an experiment or an adventure. Relax and have some fun as you get to know them. Start with email conversations, but move to video chatting as soon as you are comfortable in doing so.
Video chat early on. As soon as you know the person is legitimate and you feel there could be something there, schedule a video date. Voice, eyes, laugh and mannerisms are all things you can't get from emails and not all from the phone, but you can from video chatting. It gives you the best sense of chemistry before meeting in person. Have some fun questions prepared to ask--keep it light and easy at first. Once you've had a few video dates, make sure to sit in silence and FEEL each other for at least a minute or so. This is a nice way to just 'be' with someone and feel his or her energy. Video dating is a great way to get to know someone without physical intimacy and is therefore conducive to developing a deeply connected friendship, which is a great place to start a relationship.
Zoom is a great video chatting platform to have your video dates on (it's free). Skype is also good, but as we learned from Wikileaks, Skype calls are transcribed and saved by the NSA, so just know that going in. I don't recommend getting too sexual while video chatting. Focus on friendship first, then move towards connecting on a deep, intimate level without being overtly sexual.
Arrange to meet in person once you both feel you're ready. Sometimes both people will travel and meet somewhere in the middle and spend a wonderful weekend together, and sometimes one person travels to the other's city/town. Do what works for you both, and again, relax and in-JOY the experience/adventure.
Take the pressure off. Think of it as meeting a good friend, not potentially the one you might spend the rest of your life with, unless that excites you and works for you. Plan some activities to do together so you can share some experiences and see how it goes. At first, it's easier if you are DOING something, rather than just sitting and talking. You might want to go for a hike and/or a picnic, a bike ride, wine tasting, shopping for dinner ingredients at your local farmer's market (then preparing dinner together) and/or take a class together (painting, cooking…). Be creative.
Stay in the flow and follow your inner guidance. Listen to your heart more than your head. In-JOY the other person as a soul in a body and see how you FEEL when you are with them. Let go of pre-conceived notions about how someone should look (how tall they should be, how thin/muscular…etc) and about storybook romances. Be genuine, real, authentic, honest and do your best to stay in your heart. Have fun and practice compassionate communication.
Meeting Someone Online Long Distance
Video date, talk on the phone, email and text in between visits until you are ready to bring your lives together, or you decide it's not a match. Hopefully it is and you will be sending us your Success Story soon!
Check out The 7 Keys to Spiritual Dating for some great tips about actual dating.
